The Power of Positive Relationships

*It's been a few weeks, so this is a long one...*

“The problem lies in thinking that friendship is a luxury, when instead  it is essential for optimal health and happiness in all areas of life.” -Kristen Armstrong

For my birthday a few years ago, a favorite person of mine gifted me Kristen Armstrong’s book Mile Markers: The 26.2 Most Important Reasons Why Women Run. It’s a collection of entries from her blog of the same name. Reading the book is like reading a diary or a journal because what she presents is so relatable, especially as I am a young woman who shares her passion for running, writing, and personal fulfillment.

As the title suggests, each chapter is devoted to reasons why women run. The quote above comes from Chapter 3, titled “Friendship.” In one entry, she discusses a study that shows women’s responses to stress as different from men, concluding that women with strong friendships have fewer health risks than those who do not. I certainly agree.

I am reminded of this quote as I reflect on the last few weeks of teaching. As I think about what’s working and what’s not, I keep coming back to those students that I find most challenging. Not challenging academically - I feel relatively confident that with enough time and the right resources, I can help kids become better readers and writers - but behaviorally. While I have logged lots of hours tutoring struggling students at the Writing Center, I have a lot less experience working with kids who push (my) buttons.

At first, I thought maybe it was a purely academic issue. I wasn’t providing enough support, so their way of dealing with that was to disrupt the class. Then, I received their STAR Reading Test data. One of my three most challenging students, who I'll call Chris, turns out to have scored the 5th highest on the whole team. The other two scored just about as I had expected. But still, I had a new perspective. Maybe I wasn’t challenging Chris enough. I tried to hold him more accountable in class by cold calling on him more often. His body language was interesting to watch because his eyes would indicate that he knew the answer, but as soon as the attention was on him, he would goofily make a noise and wiggle around in his seat and say, “I don’t know.” My thinking right now is that he has a case of “I’m-smart-but-I-don’t-want-anyone-to-know-it.”

The second student, Drew, who scored in the average range, spent many of the first weeks of school shouting out and singing lines to songs that weren’t school-friendly, all with the intention of making others laugh. When confronted, he would be very defensive about his right to say what he wants to, admitting that all he wants is to be the class clown.

Then, Joel, who scored on the lower end, bombards me with questions before I even get into the classroom. Everyday, the students know they are supposed to come in, sit down, take out their notebook, and do their warm up . So his recurrent, impatient waiting in the doorway with shouts of “Ms. Richer. Ms. Richer! What are we supposed to do? I need help.  I don’t get it. Can’t you help me? What are we doing today?” drive me a bit nuts. I remind him of the procedure and encourage him to ask a friend for help, but he says that he can’t and doesn’t want to.  

I know, I know...these kids are screaming examples of the importance of differentiated instruction. I'm working on it. However, I think Kristen Armstrong’s quote provides some insight as well.

What do Chris, Drew, and Joel all have in common?

All three lack positive peer relationships. I haven’t really seen any of them with friends. Though the social interactions of women running together is obviously very different from the culture of teenage boys, I think Armstrong’s idea that friendships provide health and happiness can still apply.  

Some mornings I overhear lingering angst about Chris kicking the back of Drew’s seat on the bus, Drew giving Chris a dirty look, and Chris touching Drew’s stuff while he wasn’t looking. In my mind, this is not a healthy way to start a day. This example illuminates some of their biggest challenges:  they have a hard time letting things go, they don’t seem to appreciate others’ quirks, they struggle to say things in a calm tone. These interactions outside of class are certainly related to what I see as disruptive behavior in class.

Determining where to go from here has been challenging for me because I strongly believe in a “working with” rather than “doing to” philosophy (thanks Alfie Kohn). However, this is easier said than done, so I’ve sought examples and guidance. Before I’ve even shared my concerns, though, several teachers have made it very clear that I just need to show these kids who is boss and all of my problems will disappear - a.k.a. threaten and punish them into compliance and submission.

But I’m not okay with that. I don’t want that type of relationship with my students. I don’t want that type of relationship with people.

Thanks to the example and wisdom of the adults in my life who have taught me what it means to be a good person, I am resolved to having conversations. Asking questions. Finding out what makes those students feel happy, or successful, or safe. Using their strengths. Coming up with a plan together. I feel that if the student and I can get on the same page first, then we will be better able to work on those peer relationships.

Recently, Drew and I have made some progress. Building on his desire to be the class clown, we agreed that if he can control his shoutouts in class, the last two minutes of the period are his. He can crack a joke, share a video, tell a story. By providing him a space to be in the spotlight, he sees that I am respecting what is important to him - and he is more respectful of the norms in the class.

A few days after implementing our plan, he made a rude comment about a school staff member. I told him that there would be a consequence, but I wasn’t sure what it would be yet. He was upset and walked away with a chip on his shoulder, but came up to me a few minutes later with an idea of his own: his “two minutes” were revoked for a whole week. I was impressed with the way he took responsibility for his actions, so I thanked him and we shook on it.

I’d be lying if I said it’s been smooth sailing since then, but things have been much improved with Drew. As for Chris and Joel, I am still working on having those productive conversations. Maybe they aren’t ready to trust me. Maybe they aren’t ready to trust themselves. Maybe they aren’t ready to trust the class. And I can’t blame them for that. I have to remember that they are doing what makes sense to them, even if it doesn’t always make sense to me.

It's a hilly and sweaty journey, but I'm miles and miles away from giving up.